From Depression And Hopelessness To Faith And Living With A purpose For Christ

Many testimonies would be built on the premise of living in the world, and engaging in sinful activities such as drugs, sexual interactions, unlawful acts and even being imprisoned. But, my story of how I was saved by His mercies,  and sanctified by His blood is a bit different I would say. I have always believed in God and His divine powers. I have always worshipped and Glorified His name as He has always and still is great to me and my family. I grew up in the church- yea getting up every Saturday morning to attend Bible class at a tender age was a drag for a little girl who just wanted to stay inside and watch cartoons for the whole day. Can you imagine the new episode of  SpongeBob SquarePants coming on and you have to miss it because your Bible School teacher is outside awaiting your presence? Man oh man were my sisters and I upset! However, I sticked to being obedient and attended Bible class religiously every Saturday and Church every Sunday.

My faith in Christ has never been rattled because I believed that I was firmed and steadfast in His presence. Christ was always my center as I attended an all girls catholic school for 7 years of my life in the Caribbean (the Nuns and Priests made sure that our school curriculum was built on Christ).. I endured high school and made the best out of what I was taught that would be used to help shape my life. I got into the top known university in the Caribbean and did well there as well, but it was during university that I found out that I was not so firm in my faith as I had thought. I remember working so hard in my second semester of first year and not achieving the results that I wanted. I cursed God and asked him why? Why me? I have been so faithful but yet still not turned out how I wanted  to be? Honestly after I was done blaspheming against him, I felt terrible but deep down I still had that rage and hurt and thinking that He prefers others than me. After graduating University, I felt that I was on top-hey I made it, I graduated with a top honors degree, I was just coming back into the Island from my international exchange student program- life was good. But you know what they say- Pride comes before a fall. 

October rolled around and everyone was getting jobs, I sent out 150 applications and thought that I would land a job as well. My twin sister and all my friends were working, and I was just at home for Four months not getting ahead in life. I remember feeling so depressed and asking God why me once again? Like haven't I suffered in university not getting my heart’s desire? I remember one day in my room I was thinking of suicide- like up to this day I still can't fathom that I had such a thought in my head as suicide has never been on my radar ever. I slid into even deeper depression when I would get declined on a job offer because it made me feel useless. I felt like my mother wasted her money on giving me an education and I am going to become a useless human being- a cruff (as many Jamaicans would say). March came around and I was still a bit hopeless and in dire need of help, help that could only come from the one person that I cursed, but He never left my side. I remember waking up from a dream panicking. This dream was so surreal as I remember having this dream before the previous year. I dreamt that I was carrying a child. How can this be possible I was saying to myself? I am a virgin so I can in no way be pregnant? I looked around the delivery room and saw a few of my friends who are Christians and they were rejoicing. Like why were they rejoicing and I am pregnant. I began to cry so heavily in my dream no amount of consolation could stop me from crying. 

I can recall having another dream where a bright light, a light reflecting somewhat of a flash light or a headlight of a truck shining bright in my face. I kept trying to open my eyes and trying to get out of the dream, but something was holding me back. I remember seeing a faint smile through the light, but I couldn't see a face. It was like this person gave me joy and peace within the dream. As I was about to reach out to touch the fainted face, I was jolted out of my dream. I began to pray and ask that whatever it is that's happening, I wanted it to be revealed. That day resonated something within me greatly. I went into my room and started to worship. I started to cry and ask for forgiveness for my past sins, sins of the present and that He would prevent me from purposefully sinning in the future. I proclaim Him as the Lord of lords and King of all kings. I called Him the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning, During and the End. I kept praising Him, crying and worshipping as I felt a rush over my body. My body was in total submission to His presence. I knew that God has never left me even during my time when I felt alone. From that day I rededicated my Life to him. Whatever I do, I make sure it's representative of Him. I know that this Christian journey will not be easy, but I pray and ask Him for endurance, for wisdom and knowledge of Him, for obedience like Job, for Faith and Patience like Abraham, for love like Himself, for the gift of His Holy Spirit. Whenever I feel like I am being defeated,  I ask for a strong armor that will help me in becoming the victor of trials. You see, it's easy for us to blame God for everything as He's seen as a God that grants our heart desires. But what we fail to realize is that He grants us what He knows will be in our best interests. Ever since I have given my life back to Jesus, I have been getting numerous opportunities. My life has meaning now, I am not just living, but I am living with a purpose- a purpose to help those in need, a purpose to pray for anyone who is in need of healing or prayer, a purpose to spread the good news about Him and His Kingdom, a purpose to continue live life in His favor and name. Never think that being too young is for enjoying this world. I can reassure you that what is of this world isn't worth a lifetime in the pit of Fire in Hell. Cast all your fears, thoughts, feelings and desires upon God and He shall see you through it.

I leave this with you all!

Matthew 17:20- Faith the size of a grain of  Mustard Seed can move mountain.

Psalms 30:5- Weeping may endure in the night, but Joy cometh in the morning.