It all started about 2011, because up until that point I had been this goody two shoes always wanting to go to church like I legit cried if I didn't get to go to church and like I was a more innocent version of myself now back then and then I started playing select softball and got made fun of because I had never been kissed, never had a boyfriend, had buck teeth, was super tiny, had a country accent, home schooled, and didn't know any secular songs. The first time I heard a secular song I was like 11 and it was the song stereo heart and I always remember that time as my turning part because I started noticing boys and wanted to dress like the other girls did and wanted to be kissed etc and just do what other kids my age did. Fast track a few months I started getting bullied by this girl because the guy she liked, liked me instead and I was nothing but nice to her, but she made my life a living hell, total complete hell. Everyone was scared of her except two girls on the team so everyone but those two girls made fun of me with her so they wouldn't be made fun of. After that I got into a really bad depression and started cutting myself. I started getting pretty and getting my confidence, but it was only from guys and I had no self worth at all. My friend Haylee was one of the reasons I never went as far as suicide or attempting it and she's what kept me going each weekend at the softball fields. I became a recluse during those years and never wanted to hang out with any friends and never wanted to go any where without my mom because she could keep me calm (it was around this time that I started having anxiety attacks) and towards the beginning of that fourth year the bullying got so bad that the girl kicked my injured leg trying to hurt me and my mom went off on my coach telling him enough was enough (all the parents and coaches knew she bullied me and some of the moms would encourage me because I always hung around them because my mom wasn't able to come watch me much because of work and I didn't want to be with my teammates) and my coach cut the girl and life instantly got better on that end and I slowly became happy again. About 6 months later I lost my virginity. It really tore me up inside because I told him no and honestly it's the main reason I believe in girls saving themselves until marriage, God says our body is a temple. Months later I started dating Stephen and we slept together and our relationship was really unhealthy and toxic. He watched porn and because of it I caught feelings for other guys and we both were pretty awful to each other. I tried to end things and run him off for like 8 months and I finally got so miserable and depressed I couldn't take it anymore and so I finally started the process of breaking up with him. He was guilt tripping me, stressing me, my mental health went to the dogs and so did my physical. My hair started falling out, my grades dropped, I barely kept my 4.0 and my favorite teacher got really worried about me. I was out sick a lot because of it. I barely kept an A in my favorite class and I was so emotional that my writing got better in my literature class and I went from a 93 in that to a 98 and a 99 from my favorite class to a 91. I was really stressed and I cried 24/7 and my tourette's went from mild to so bad my whole body twitched (also didn’t help that during this time I lost some friends because of a rumor spread about me by this senior who tried to kiss my ex when i was with him) and because of my past I had pretty much stopped having a relationship w God because I didn't think He loved me (I didn't think my dad still loved me because of it until recently) and I just had to totally depend on God and found His grace and forgiveness and became who I needed to be to be where I am now and my life has been so much better since i gave all my fears to God.
I still struggle with anxiety and still have anxiety attacks and their awful but I know God got me. Reading the bible and praying while I’m having one helps.
This summer I dated an awful douche bag and he treated me like crap and kinda lowered my confidence a little because of the things he would do and say to me. I’m not with him anymore and I'm a lot happier and I'm not constantly crying anymore. Not having him around has made life so much better and dating him taught me so much and I got closer to God through everything he put me through. Please know your worth and know that someone who truly cares about you is going to love you for you and bring you closer to God through their love for you, not by the pain they caused you.
I’m gonna share a few things I've learned this year:
First, I learned less perfection, more authenticity.
lately, i have found myself wearing less and less makeup. I've realized that I fell into a trap of always having to look “perfect”, of hiding what I think are flaws, (like contouring my nose because I don’t like it or using a dog filter to hide it), of always having a perfect highlight etc. Don’t get me wrong, all of those things are wonderful and I still love them dearly, but I was starting to put my identity in them and didn’t like pics of myself that if I wasn’t wearing “perfect” makeup in them. I took a step back and went from wearing makeup ALL the time to barely wearing any and if I did it was just mascara and filling in my brows. I stopped focusing on getting the “perfect selfie” and started focusing more on having fun. At first, I was super uncomfortable and insecure about going out without much or any makeup at all, especially when all my friends were always looking so great while I felt like I looked like trash. I realized, I was the only one comparing myself to them so harshly. They weren’t looking at me to see if I had “perfect” makeup on or not; they were just looking at my heart and our friendship. Now, I can go out in public without makeup or very little at all, feel confident and pretty because I know that my identity is in Christ, not what I look like or wear. The only makeup I need is the Joyfulness of Christ. Girls, it’s okay to go out without makeup. It’s also okay to go out with makeup. It’s okay to go out in sweat pants or athletic clothes and it’s okay to go out wearing name brand, crazy expensive clothes. Just know that your identity is in Christ only and how you treat others and not in the clothes or makeup you wear. (goes for you too guys.) Nothing but the Blood can give you self worth.
Secondly and the one that was the hardest is this: to be still. Something I've learned this year is patience, to be still. Through that I've learned to let go and let God. There has been times that I've just looked up and asked “why is this happening? I’m following You, so why is this going on?” and all I would hear is “be still.” countless times those words would be the only response I would get. Looking back now, I know those are the words I needed to hear, without them I wouldn’t have learned how to cast my cares completely on Jesus and let Him have and mold my heart. Taking a step back, being still, and humbling myself to change my heart was something that I had to do and needed greatly. Maybe things are going crazy in your life right now and you don’t understand why or what is happening. Just be still. Know that He is God and that He is in control of your situation. Instead of looking for “why?” look instead to see how you can learn from this and change your heart from it. Be still. (Psalm 46:10- “Stand silent! Know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation in the world!”)