Alaysia

I am my mom's first child (she had me at 19) but when she was pregnant with me I guess the doctors didn't pick up on any deformities in the ultrasound so on the day she had me she said the nurses didn't want to give me to her and they were asking her if she wanted counseling or whatever and she was confused until they showed me to her. I was born with an ulnar longitudinal deficiency meaning one of my arms didn't develop like the other. I wrote more about it on my testimony on twitter if you guys want to see it. My mom told the nurses "this is my daughter, I'm gonna love her regardless" but my dad wasn't there when I was born. He didn't even think I was his. After he sent his aunt to come look at me and see if I looked like him, he came with one pack of diapers and he held me so that people could only see my good arm . And tbh I don't remember him being around after that until I was like 4. My mom raised me with the mindset that I was capable of doing anything and everything everyone else could, and she also raised me to know who God is. I didn't necessarily grow up in a Christian home though, I just knew the basics. Growing up, I honestly didn't really think there was anything wrong with me because nobody treated me differently. Like, besides the kids at school asking me "what happened to your arm?" I wasn't really singled out. But when I was in elementary school I got bullied because of it and there was this boy who would call me a "one armed freak" and I would go home crying. Ever since then I would just cover my arm up so that people wouldn't have a chance to make fun of it and it would make my mom very sad but I just wanted to look normal and be normal. I was very angry at God over this for YEARS. Around the time I was in 5th or 6th grade was when everything started getting really bad. I was getting made fun of at school more, my stepdad started hitting my mom, he lost his job and he previously made my mom quit her job because he got her pregnant, we got kicked out of our house, and we had to live off of food stamps and government assistance checks month to month, my parents got charged for child endangerment and had to take parenting classes. There were even times at the end of the month where we'd literally have NO food in the house. In high school, I got depression and started having suicidal thoughts. I would think things like "I might as well kill myself because nobody loves me" or "I'm just a waste of space" or "I'm never gonna be able to live a normal life so I might as well end it" and I was still SO MAD at God because I felt like He was just sitting there watching it happen. Like, yeah I know I wasn't a good person and I cussed and smoked weed but didn't He care if I killed myself? I really didn't think He did. So my senior year, my parents both got arrested and went to jail!! So there I was, 17 years old, missing days and days of school my senior year just to make sure my 4 younger siblings made it to school on time. Every time someone came to the door I would get scared that it was CPS or something. I'm glad it never was. So fast forward to my freshman year in college (August 2015), my family had moved here to Georgia but I was still in California. I thought things were looking up. But my depression worsened and I had frequent panic attacks. So I actually planned a day where I was gonna kill my self because I was literally so done with suffering with the same stuff! But one of the RA's on campus had showed me and my best friend at the time a sculpture thing he had made in class and it was a cross. My best friend asked if he was a Christian and he said "I'm strengthening my relationship with God" but I had never heard of that before. And he invited us to a campus ministry group called Chi Alpha that was every Friday night. That's literally all I could think about after that though. So truth be told that kind of gave me new hope, I started changing my mindset from negative to positive, I started reading the Bible, and I stopped cussing. Not right away of course and it took awhile for those things to actually happen. But that's wasn't all. I knew that I needed God because i was literally at the end of my rope. So a few months after that (February 2016) I finally go to Chi Alpha where I experienced God's presence for the first time! A girl there named Jasmine gave me a word and said "I feel like God has a string attached to your heart and He's pulling you closer but you have your heels in the ground trying to resist Him." And it was so true! I knew it was God because I had never even met her before. Okay so a few weeks after that, I was waiting for one of my classes to start and I was reading the Bible to pass time. I was in John 9, and it was about when the disciples asked Jesus "who sinned, this man or his parents for him to be born blind?" And Jesus said "neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God be revealed through him." And then Jesus healed his sight. Y'all! I was so happy when I read that! I thought God was punishing me because of something my parents did and that's why I was so angry with Him for so many years but now I'm learning that He is really is for me and I can't live without Him. Sorry this was dumb long lol this is the most I've ever shared at once and I'm just now starting to learn that He made me this way for a reason.  God is teaching me that I am set apart and made specially for the purpose He has for my life. I still hide and cover myself up though, but it's starting to burden me because I feel like hiding myself is hiding God. He has given me a huge heart to serve and encourage others but I always feel like I can't because of this. I want my testimony to show that God is sooooo strong and it doesn't matter what people called you or what you thought you couldn't do; He still loves you and He can still use you and make you new. God is still with me and I'm still growing. 

Twitter: @_LowkeyLay